A leading UK-based professional sensualist, who specialises in vulva massage, has revealed the five most important tips for heterosexual men to rock their woman’s world in the bedroom.
With only 30% of women in the UK reaching orgasm every time they have sex, compared to 61% of men, according to YouGov, there has never been a better time to discuss the orgasm gap. Even better still, putting in the work in the bedroom to close the gap.
Rubens Abreu, who hails from Brazil, has built up a “dedicated” list of clients through the sex-positive site Sensuali – both women and couples – that rely on his unique service as a sensual masseur, and they say the experience is “life-changing”.
Rubens says: “In heterosexual relationships, men tend to get their pleasure and sexual needs prioritized because not only women are conditioned in society to be more passive and care for others but also haven’t been given the space and attention to discuss their own needs and desires throughout their lives.
“They are not encouraged to be assertive when it comes to their desires. They are either shy about it, they don’t know how to ask, or they worry they might hurt their partners’ feelings and ego by asking them to do something different.
“Pleasure is your birth right and you deserve as a woman to feel all the amazing feelings your body can produce based on your preferences, boundaries and desires.
“There is also the fact that a lot of men still to this day can’t find the clitoris in a woman, which its only function in the body is to provide pleasure to her…Women can have orgasms that come from all different places and the fact that to this day we say ‘vagina’ when we mean ‘vulva’ just shows how much learning we still need to do.”
The 30-year-old, who also holds a bachelor’s degree in counselling, says that men largely forget about one key skill when it comes to pleasuring their partner: listening to them.
Rubens says: “Some men are just not willing to learn and ask their partner questions. Communication is so important when it comes to intimacy.
“It is as easy as asking her about how she likes to be touched and what turns her on, and if she does not know, go and explore that. Learn together, take your time and be patient with her.
“That is another great reason to get a massage or any type of body work – to explore and learn about your body and pleasure without having the expectations to please the other person where is only about you.”
Rubens’ five top tips to close the orgasm gap in the bedroom:
- Communication is the best medicine: “If I could repeat this five times, I would. Ask her what she likes, listen to her body, be present with her when you are being intimate with her, if she does not know, go explore that with her – it’s okay. There is no right or wrong, it’s about what you both enjoy based on your preferences and desires.
- Good things ‘come’ to those who wait: “Do not rush things in the bedroom. Be patient with her, do more foreplay, be intimate with her without jumping into penetration. You’ve got all the time you need for that, enjoy the process.”
- Giving lip service: “Go down on her first. Way too many guys do not go down on a woman but expect her to give them head – how is this fair? It is a beautiful thing to please a woman with your mouth and tongue and it feels amazing for her, embrace it.”
- Lend a hand: “Use your fingers. Your penis can be unreliable, erections come, erections go, and when you ejaculate you will need a break to be able to do it again. Your fingers are always hard and you have full control over them – which is the same for your tongue. Use them as much as you can, and get really good at using them.”
- Don’t take it personally: “If she does not like what you are doing, do not get your ego hurt. Remember that sex is a two-way street. Adapt, try new things and learn about her body. It’s all a part of the process.”