Your Relationship Isn’t Boring – You’re Just Exhausted: How to Fix the London Love Rut
Living in a bustling city like London has its perks – the endless opportunities, the vibrant social scene, and the constant energy. But for many couples, it also comes with a downside: exhaustion, overstimulation, and the creeping feeling that their relationship has fallen into a rut.
Between demanding jobs, long commutes, social obligations, and the ever-present lure of screens and devices, many Londoners find themselves running on empty, with little left to give to their partners.
It’s no surprise that relationships can start to feel stale in this environment. You come home drained, barely able to muster the energy for a proper conversation, let alone meaningful connection. The spark that once felt effortless now feels like hard work, and it’s easy to blame your partner or the relationship itself.
But is the problem really your relationship? Or is it the way modern life is pulling you in every direction except towards each other?
Shan Merchant, a couples therapist and marriage counsellor, has seen this pattern time and time again in her work. She explains that love and connection don’t just happen – they’re something you actively cultivate. Here, she explains what we can do to fix this common problem.
As a couple’s therapist, I hear all the time: “We’ve fallen into a rut. We’ve lost the passion.” And every time, my first question is: “When was the last time you gave your relationship your full attention?” No one can give me a good answer.
Most couples I see are overworked, overstimulated and under-connected. There’s so much competition for our attention! We pour our energy and attention into our jobs, children, hobbies, the endless demands of modern life, social media and devices, all pulling us in different directions whilst our relationship gets the breadcrumbs. We come home drained, irritated, running on empty, offering our partner the worst versions of ourselves. And then blame each other: “You don’t make any effort anymore. The passion has gone. Everything feels boring.”
Truth bomb: What you prioritise, thrives. People put effort into their careers, their fitness, their friendships. They schedule work meetings, gym sessions, dinner plans with friends. They show up on time fully engaged because they know there are consequences if they don’t. But when it comes to their relationship, they expect it to take care of itself, like it should run on autopilot. And then they wonder why five, ten years in, the connection starts to feel dull.
What I tell all my couples: “Love isn’t something that just happens to you. It is a practice. You are in the practice of relationship, it is a doing, a verb. And if you’re not tending to your relationship of course it’s going to feel like it’s fading”.
The good news is that you don’t need a grand gesture to bring back intimacy. Intimacy is built in the micro-moments – the way you greet each other at the end of the day, the small acts of kindness, the spontaneous affection, the thoughtful gestures that say I see you; I care about you.
It’s not about adding more to your already overflowing plate – it’s about reordering your priorities and being more intentional with the time you already have.
Tips to keep your love alive
1. Stop giving work the best of you
A lot of people act like their job is their primary relationship. You wake up, check emails and pour all your energy into work, and by the time you get home, there’s nothing left in the tank for your partner. Their partner gets the exhausted, depleted version of them.
Flip the script. You don’t get to neglect your relationship all week and expect to feel close on a Saturday date night. Connection needs daily actions – small check-ins, touch, appreciation, not just grand gestures once in a while.
Try this: Save one act of warmth for your partner every day. A voice note, a small thoughtful gift, a lingering kiss with your full attention. These things add up.
2. Date night is overrated – make micro-moments of connection
Londoners are busy. You don’t have to schedule a weekly three-hour dinner reservation to feel close. What you need is moments of warmth, consistently.
Try this: Turn transitional moments into intimacy – kiss properly before you leave for work, hold hands while walking and sit next to each other on the couch instead of across the room. No devices. They’re small things, but they work.
3. Stop treating your partner like a colleague
A lot of couples tell me their relationship feels more like a business partnership than a romantic relationship. Couples get so caught up in the logistics of life – kids, work, bills, to-do lists that they start treating each other like colleagues instead of lovers.
And the problem with that is that desire doesn’t thrive in efficiency. Everything starts feeling transactional at some point: “Did you pick up the groceries? Don’t forget the school meeting. What time is your work call tomorrow?” And before you know it, the relationship turns into a well-run business – but a passionless one.
So, I always ask couples: When was the last time you were playful? Cheeky? Flirted for no reason? Because that’s the difference between a functional relationship and a romance. Romance needs mystery, curiosity, and fun. If you want to break out of this pattern, you have to be intentional about it.
Try this: Ban admin talk after a certain time each evening. No bills, no school schedules, no logistics. Just being together. Pour a glass of wine, go for a walk, ask each other random, interesting questions. “What’s something you’re excited about?” Give your full eye contact. Be interested and interesting.
4. Don’t let resentment build up
People think passion dies because they’ve been together too long. It’s not familiarity, it’s when there’s an unspoken imbalance – one person feels like they do more around the house, or one person initiates intimacy more than the other, or someone feels unseen, unheard, unappreciated. And when those feelings aren’t addressed, they don’t just go away. They simmer below the surface and over months and years turn into frustration, distance and even contempt.
Try this: Ask each other, “What’s one thing I could do this week to make you feel more loved?” And then actually do it.
5. Get off your phone and into each other’s arms
If you’re scrolling TikTok in bed instead of touching your partner, that’s a problem. Modern relationships are suffering because our attention is hijacked.
Try this: A simple no-phones-in-bed rule can change everything. Put them away and let your body remember that the person next to you is far more interesting than whatever’s on your screen.
6. Own the fact that desire needs maintenance
A lot of people believe that sexual chemistry should be effortless. It’s not. It needs care and attention. You don’t just wake up one day and feel attracted to your partner, you cultivate attraction through how you interact daily. Couples who keep desire alive in long-term relationships pay attention to the way they flirt, the way they touch and the way they create space for erotic energy in their relationship.
Try this: If things feel stale, shake up the pattern. Desire needs maintenance, intention, and effort. Try something new together – a different type of date, a new way of touching, watching an erotic movie together, even just kissing differently. Novelty doesn’t just happen you have to create it.
7. Don’t confuse stress with a relationship problem
Stress has a way of twisting reality. When you’re exhausted, everything feels harder. You lose patience. You snap at each other. You withdraw. And suddenly, your partner who’s supposed to be your soft place to land starts feeling like another problem to solve. You’ll convince yourself that the love is gone when really, you’re just operating in survival mode.
Before you assume your relationship is the issue, deal with the stress first.
Try this: Take 24 hours to fully relax together – no work talk, no life admin. Just slow down and be present with each other. See what happens when you remove stress from the equation.
Conclusion
Modern life in London can leave couples feeling disconnected and stuck in a rut, but it doesn’t have to be this way. As Shan Merchant reminds us, relationships need care and attention to thrive. By making small, intentional changes and prioritising connection in the midst of a busy city life, you can reignite the spark and rediscover the joy of being together. After all, love isn’t something that just happens – it’s something you create every single day.
