New Year’s Eve may be a time of joy and togetherness where people celebrate an impending fresh start, but it can also bring its fair share of family tension – especially when having spent long stretches of time with them over the Christmas period.
For families with neurodivergent members, tensions that are bound to happen can also present unique challenges. Dr. Selina Warlow, founder of The Nook Clinic and a leading expert in neurodevelopmental conditions, shares essential strategies to help families navigate potential conflicts and misunderstandings.
Why do Tensions Flare During the Holidays?
“Spending extended time with loved ones – who we may not see regularly – can sometimes highlight differences in how we communicate, process emotions, or handle expectations,” says Dr Selina. “For neurodivergent family members, challenges like sensory sensitivities, social misunderstandings, and disrupted routines can amplify stress, making it harder to navigate tense moments calmly.”
Dr Selina’s Expert Advice: Navigating Family Tensions with Loved Ones
Plan for Predictability
Why it matters: For those who thrive on routine, like many autistic individuals, the unpredictability of schedules can feel overwhelming. Sudden changes can trigger anxiety or meltdowns.
The solution: Share plans early and stick to them as much as possible. If changes are unavoidable, communicate them in advance and offer reassurance.
Create Space for Movement and Rest
Why it matters: Long meals and indoor activities can feel stifling for most but even more so for people with ADHD. The need to move around or take breaks to regulate energy levels is vital because without these outlets, those with ADHD might become irritable or disengaged.
The solution: Build in opportunities for movement, such as a family walk, or allow for quiet downtime. Let relatives know this is part of the plan to normalise the need for breaks.
Respond Thoughtfully to Emotional Moments
Why it matters: Family members who are Neurodivergent may experience heightened sensory or emotional responses, which can sometimes lead to conflicts or misunderstandings. Reacting immediately can escalate tension.
The solution: Encourage everyone to pause when emotions run high. Use phrases like, “Let’s take a moment to cool down and come back to this later,” to de-escalate and reset.
Communicate Directly and Clearly
Why it matters: Ambiguity in conversations can be confusing, particularly for autistic individuals who may prefer straightforward communication. Misinterpreted social cues can lead to frustration for everyone involved.
The solution: Speak clearly and avoid vague language. Instead of saying, “We’ll see what happens,” try, “We plan to eat at 2 PM.” Directness can prevent misunderstandings.
Validate Feelings and Seek Clarity
Why it matters: Misinterpretations can often feel personal. For example, a neurodivergent family member’s withdrawal may be seen as rudeness when it’s actually an attempt to self-regulate.
The solution: Acknowledge emotions without judgment. Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling?” and validate their experience.
Pick Your Battles
Why it matters: Constantly trying to resolve every disagreement can exhaust everyone involved. Some conflicts are better left unresolved ‘in the moment’.
The solution: Reflect on whether a disagreement is worth pursuing. If not, let it go and focus on maintaining a positive atmosphere.
Advocate Confidently for Your Family’s Needs
Why it matters: Parents of neurodivergent children may face judgment from relatives who don’t understand their parenting choices, leading to unnecessary stress.
The solution: Stand firm in what works for your family. Politely explain your approach if needed, but don’t feel obligated to defend every decision.
“Family differences don’t have to lead to arguments,” says Dr Selina. “Understanding that neurodivergent loved ones may process things and communicate in ways that are different from our own but equally valid is key to reducing tension. By approaching situations with empathy and adapting our responses, we create an environment where everyone feels valued and understood.”
Featured Photo by Siavash Ghanbari on Unsplash.